1.15.2022

eksenang ulan

It ended with a rain scene. All the episodes of Modern Love Season 1 tied nicely together by getting rained on under the same NY sky. Too nicely though in my opinion. Alam mo naman tayo, romantic pero jaded din. 

The last time I was drenched by rain, fully clothed, out in public street, was in college. My heart was broken. My boyfriend of two years (pre-g2g), cheated on me and we broke up. Walang drama. I gave back my copy of his apartment key and left. 

When the sky stormed days after though, it was like my cue to let all the tears out and have them hide with the rain. While people were rushing for cover or have their umbrellas, ako ay parang baliw na mindlessly walking in the rain, crying my heart out. There was pain. There was numbness. Mapride pa rin e. Parang I needed that cleansing ba to move on. It wasn't immediate as I would have hoped for because our org's tambayan are across each other. But these on-your-face situations and difficult experiences toughen you.

Ang ganda ng love story namin.We met sa bundok, mountain climbing. Ang intense din ng pagmamahalan. Masaya, ang daming adventures and tbh, may mga personal demons to deal with din. College time e. Ang daming pagkilala sa sarili na nagaganap. 

Years later when I commented on a common friend's post, he pm'd me in socmed. I did not feel anything at all. Totally no curiosity on what happened to him after we last spoke. I ignored his message and never looked back. 

Mukhang effective ang broken heart cleansing sa ulan.=) 



Rain 

1.22.2020

here it goes...




am happy =)
shocking i know! hahaha. maybe am saying this because i just had orgasm. hahaha again. seriously i did. and seriously i am happy. :)

amid the looming Taal volcano eruption, the panic, chaos it brings, i dare found some peace. so much that it sounds blasphemous to share am happy and at peace with suffering everywhere.

my feng shui for year of the rat warned of a not so lucky year ahead. the optimist in me is worried. tsk. yes, am still your same firewomyn full with conflict. hehe.

but it also said this is the time to meet people. seems awesome except for one tiny bit of a problem. i work from home. *scratches head* in between work i do house chores and never ending errands.because #adulting. am also not active in socmed, unless there's yet again a DDS relative I need to unfollow.

... but then one innocent looking, seemingly usual tuesday, i got a message from an ex-colleague inviting me to their masters class to be a panelist for their blockchain project (tech stuff). wow! am floored to be invited bec it's an intl school and i love the topic. after some pakipot questions (kunwari pinag-iisipan ko pa. :D), i agreed.

... and then another seemingly innocent, usual looking wednesday, a g2g friend from UP posted in our UP group (which I already muted long time ago). but on that fateful day of procrastination from hectic work, i checked messenger. she and her small group of gang are asking help/support for their Taal eruption victims relief operations.

this g2g UP friend is a very good friend of mine. but she's often overseas on her research projects as a sought after consultant (flex ko lang. hihi) so we usually hang once a year at best.

alam nyo naman ako, marupok ako sa mga nangangailangan. i have a hero mentality kyeme. so pm'd her immediately. got the details and did my own active plea for help to my network.

this relief ops is within the 14km danger zone. crazy yes. but after weighing in the pros and cons and after falling deaf to gf's warning and disapproving stance * sorry, am a bad gf =( * was still adamant to do it. * i love you gf! lookie, i made it back to you safe and sound =) *

by early morning of seeking donations, i was physically exhausted but soul's all fired up. in short, gising pa diwa ko. by this time it suddenly struck me that the delivery of goods to the evacuation site is same time and day as my panel duties at the intl school. *aghast!* fuck.

now here's a truly torn-between-2-lovers moment. i equally love both. both give me kilig to do. and both opportunities (sorry lack of a better term) don't happen often. you know you've just been working at home/living uneventfully for months and then this! come on universe! why tear me this way?!

up to the day before the events, i was bent on making both happen. am not the person to just settle or give up. am made for tight deadlines and delivering impossible projects! thought bubble: my relief ops group can go ahead then i will do the blockchain thing, right after will dash to the bus terminal and go to Batangas. 

and so i said to myself. but adulting of late has taught me of balance. at least aiming for it.

the same way no two objects cannot occupy the same space at the same time, i cannot defy the law of physics. i can attempt of course, but will surely fail at one.

opo. i matured. aging does that to you eventually. :) i carefully thought of it. became honest to myself and asked myself. which between the two, if i didn't do, i will regret for the rest of my life? *andrama!*

a masters class of 50 vs 500+ people of evacuees? the math is clear. and more importantly, my heart is crystal clear.

spoke to my ex-colleague. he understands. =)

at that point, spotify randomly played me this song.


"Suddenly I See"




thank you universe! i love you! *akap to all*



Suddenly I See (lyrics)
Her face is a map of the world
Is a map of the world
You can see she's a beautiful girl
She's a beautiful girl
And everything around her is a silver pool of light
The people who surround her feel the benefit of it
It makes you calm
She holds you captivated in her palm
Suddenly I see (suddenly I see)
This is what I wanna be
Suddenly I see (suddenly I see)
Why the hell it means so much to me
(Suddenly I see)
This is what I wanna be
Suddenly I see (suddenly I see)
Why the hell it means so much to me
I feel like walking the world
Like walking the world
You can hear she's a beautiful girl
She's a beautiful girl
She fills up every corner like she's born in black and white
Makes you feel warmer when you're trying to remember
What you heard
She likes to leave you hanging



4.03.2019

tulala sa isang tabi

another gusto-ko-na-maggive up-day. sobrang sakit ng likod ko sa pagod. hay. ano ba tong pinasok kong trabaho. sobrang busy na hindi ka na magkandaugaga, skipped lunch and people breathing at your neck or wants a piece of you. pakiramdam ko paminta ako sa pagkadurog at sabog sabog na sa dami ng taong dapat pagsilbihan or iplease. ito ba ang reward ng may masters education from an international uni? hindi sya nakakaganda ha. wala man lang akong time magretouch ng makeup ko.

madaming taon na pero ganito pa rin ang drama ko sa buhay. malaki po ang financial reward. pero parang kulang pa pang-therapy sa trauma or long term toll sa maganda kong katawan.  dito na pumapasok yung, may pera ka nga, pero hindi ka naman masaya. kasi hindi ka malaya. mahal lang bayad sa yo pero parang alila pa rin pakiramdam.

nagbasa ako ng a few past posts and ang sintimyento ko sa buhay, halos ganun pa rin. english lang pagkaka-express ko before. ganito naman talaga siguro halos lahat nga buhay empleyado.

napapaisip ako, bakit ko ba to tinotolerate. gipit na gipit pa rin ba? hindi naman masyado. pero pinangarap ko makapagtrabaho sa ibang bansa. eto na yun e. katuparan ng pangarap kumbaga. pero bakit ganun? sa sobrang kapaguran ko wala akong maramdamang satisfaction or achievement. wait, let me correct that. wala akong maramdaman kundi pagod at sakit ng katawan.

ndi rin ok na achiever, dedicated, hardworking, success driven. kasi ang tendency is prove them all wrong na kaya mong ma-achieve kahit ano challenges ibigay sa yo.

i think dapat din matutunan ang tinatawag na limit. hindi sya kahinaan. isa syang powerful tool, being aware of how much BS, crap you can reasonably accept without losing your sanity, without feeling depleted, without losing your joy.

in the spirit of marie kondo's what sparks joy, i can say, working this much and making unreasonable customers happy most definitely do not in any way spark even a thread of joy.

i listened to motivational videos. sabi nila you are what you think. so i tried not to acknowledge the pain, sadness, loneliness, dissatisfaction, heartbreak which burns every aching muscle. pero andun na ko sa point na hirap na i-mind over matter ang kalokohang toh.

baka magbasag na lang ako ng laptop dito sa office pag patuloy ko pa iinternalize tong feelings na to and hindi ko iprocess thru expression.

iniisip ko nga, kailangan ko magrelax, mag-enjoy. pero nothing comes to mind really other than ihiga ang sumusukong katawan. wala akong ganang kumain. seryosong gusto ko na lang tumulala sa room window ko mamaya pag uwi at alam ko na dadaloy na lang ang luha. syempre hindi naman pdeng magpaka-vulnerable sa office. ayoko rin namn maglasing kasi naga-acidic stomach ko sa alcohol.

actually mej naiiyak na ko while sharing these stuff. kasi as i write these i realize my mistakes, my situation which one way or another, i brought upon myself din naman.

so malamang, nasa akin din ang sagot pano makalaya at lumigaya. pero bago yan, kailangan munang umuwi ng bahay at magpahinga for more buntung hininga. haaayyyy...







4.02.2019

sleepless in somewhere



tao po! :)
siguro wala nang tao dito. well, what can i expect, 3+ years ba namang ndi mag-update tapos last post may word na demon pa. hehehe. nakaka-off nga naman. the same way na if may dyowa ka and nag-MIA (missing in action) for years, babalikan mo pa ba?

i sorta abandoned this blog ever since i took some serious life decisions.  i feel awful. parang nahihiya na kong magsulat/blog after not doing it for so long. parang pakiramdam ko wala na kong mukhang maihaharap sa blog ko and lalo kung sa sinumang naliligaw pa dito. maski yata multo wala na e. hehehe.

ang totoo, sobrang pagod ko today. tired to the bone marrow and yet hindi makatulog. ayoko sanang ganito ang major comeback of the prodigal fireowomyn e. pero wala e. the same way na the prodigal daughter returned kasi wala nang choice.

well konting background, natapos ko na sa wakas ang postgrad studies ko aboard. sinwerte na nagbunga ang kawalan ko ng social life or buhay in general ng graduation with honors. naks! akalain mo yun. masaya. i was able to travel, work ng parang walang bukas. magka-depression sa sobrang hirap pagsabayin. natutong mag-keto diet for added mental acuity.

so yun nga, natapos na ang postgrad chapter ng buhay ko. bilang ganti, nagkatrabaho sa ibang bansa. opo ofw po ako sa kasalukuyan. nahirapan sa maginaw na klima kaya dinaig ang ahas sa mistulang molting ng skin, ultimo anit ko nagshed din (in short nagkadandruff ako. yuck i know). syempre nagkasakit din at ndi agad naka-adjust.

mej ok na ko sa new environment ko. ewan ko ba sa bansang to, seryosong nafeel ko ang urge na maglabas ng cleavage kahit ndi naman kalakihan boobs ko. hehehe. dito ko rin natutunan wag mag-bra at gumamit na lang ng silicon nipple cover. nakapakaliberating ng pakiramdam. there is something here in this country na i feel more woman kahit puro naman lalaki katrabaho ko bilang trabahong male-dominated ang industry na ginagalawan ko. madalas sa conference room ako lang babae.

minsang nag-mini skirt ako, nyemas, ndi makatingin sa akin ng diretso mga ka-team ko at sa waist down bumababa ang tingin. hindi sila nahihiyang magstare.

kumpara sa pilipinas kong mahal, mas onti tao and far apart ang mga buildings, bagay bagay. kailangan nagdadrive. kinaya naman ng powers ko ang mga iyan.

pero mga busy din ang mga tao, after work may kanya kanya nang buhay karamihan. or baka naman ang totoo ayaw nila ko katropa. ewan ko.

may isa akong naging kaibigan dito na taga-pinas na matagal nang dito nakatira. kaso lalake. walang choice, kasi matyaga naman syang punta-puntahan ako, at ipasyal. pero nararamdaman ko na bet nya ko kahit ilang beses ko nang sinabi na lesbian ako at may gf na. siguro kasi asa malayo kaya feeling nya walang bearing. mabait naman. kaso naiilang ako sa mga pahaging na i dreamt of you, ang seksi mo, ang cute mo, kinwento na ko sa nanay nya at ininvite ako ng nanay nya sa birthday. whatthe. walang ganyanan pre.

so ayun na nga, wala ako makausap ng buhay buhay dito. alam nyo naman ako, nabubuhay dugo ko sa mga kwentong pag-ibig at buhay buhay. saka mga labas labas para gumimik.

mahirap. pero i enjoy living here na rin. kaso pareho ng  napakaraming kwentong ofw, may tamang lungkot din sya. naubos ko na nga panoorin American Idol youtube videos e. ndi naman ako mahilig sa tv. naghanap ako ng lesbian activities near me, puro speed dating lumabas! halos 3x a week yata sked and week days ha. mahirap sumideline ng gimik pag work day e. sayang. siguro minsan icheck ko ano ganap sa mga ganun. pero ndi muna sa ngayon.


salamat sa blog na to na tunay na maaasahang hingangan ng saloobin. gumaan ang pakiramdam ko. kasi parang may kakwentuhan na rin habang tuloy tuloy ko lang sinusulat lahat ng maiisip at mararamdaman ko. no judgement kahit wala nang sense ang sinasabi ko. da best! no filter outpouring.

madami nagsasabi ndi na raw uso ang blog. howell papel. dedma sa uso. basta ang blog ko ay para sa puso ko. para sa virtual self-talk, unloading ng nagpapabigat sa dibdib, nagpapalungkot sa damdamin at nagpapayapa sa isipan ko.

salamat sa yo firewomyn blog. kasi binigyan mo ako ng space. ngayon pa lang i feel better na.

since i dunno really if there's anyone i can still talk to within the blog like may reader pa ba to, i will just write for myself for my firewomyn self.


dahil gumaan na pakiramdam, inaantok na rin sa wakas. kulang na naman tulog ko nito. magmamadaling magprepare for work, mabilisang ligo at ayos, no breakfast at sa ofc na magkape, then meetings na sandamakmak. loop. pero this time, feeling better and excited kasi i can kwento again tomorrow. =)

hanggang sa muli!


7.30.2016

demons

because (andami kong because sa simula ng posts no? hehehe) may pinagdadaanan ako, i need a theme song. sabi nila this is the age of abundance specially in information and opinion. pwes ako abundance in emotions and trials.

"Demons"
by Imagine Dragons


When the days are cold
And the cards all fold
And the saints we see
Are all made of gold

When your dreams all fail
And the ones we hail
Are the worst of all
And the blood's run stale

I wanna hide the truth
I wanna shelter you
But with the beast inside
There's nowhere we can hide

No matter what we breed
We still are made of greed
This is my kingdom come
This is my kingdom come

When you feel my heat
Look into my eyes
It's where my demons hide
It's where my demons hide
Don't get too close
It's dark inside
It's where my demons hide
It's where my demons hide

At the curtain's call
It's the last of all
When the lights fade out
All the sinners crawl

So they dug your grave
And the masquerade
Will come calling out
At the mess you made

Don't wanna let you down
But I am hell bound
Though this is all for you
Don't wanna hide the truth

No matter what we breed
We still are made of greed
This is my kingdom come
This is my kingdom come

When you feel my heat
Look into my eyes
It's where my demons hide
It's where my demons hide
Don't get too close
It's dark inside
It's where my demons hide
It's where my demons hide

They say it's what you make
I say it's up to fate
It's woven in my soul
I need to let you go

Your eyes, they shine so bright
I wanna save that light
I can't escape this now
Unless you show me how

When you feel my heat
Look into my eyes
It's where my demons hide
It's where my demons hide
Don't get too close
It's dark inside
It's where my demons hide
It's where my demons hide





i wana hide the truth - kasi sa sobrang apaw ng stress ko gusto ko nang magsumbong sa fb. ilabas ang gusto nang sumabog na damdamin. but then i always stop myself. my network includes my boss, my colleagues, admirers (naks!), family who look up to me. i don't want to be a source of negativity. i want to as much as possible inspire and help people. pero sabi nga sa airplane advisory, save yourself first (oxygen mask) before others. 

that's why i had go back to this safe place. this blog. i actually forgot the password already! had to recover it to be able to post.

kung anak ang blog, isa na akong pabayang ina!:(